Cwen Gan

i used to be happy.

i used to be very fun and crazy.

i used to be very confident.

but im not now.

you wonder why? everything.

studies. relationships. family. anything that you can think of.

i hate myself for being so down so emo. so fragile.

but i just cant help it.

sry readers, i cant blog my major reason for being like this because someone will read my blog.

i will tell if i feel like it, but mostly just to my bestfriends. =)

well, for some reasons, i really really feel like changing course.

maybe to lakeside's business foundation. just like shawn did.

i asked him for opinions. my bestfriends too.

well now its just my decision to make.

whether to move on in SAM or run away then move on in other course?

if i run away, ill waste my dad's 10k++ and 4months.

if i dont, im afraid that i will waste 20k++ and a year.

what should i do? im panic. confused. frustrated. dang!

you know, sometimes. sometimes, how much i wished i was never borned or maybe soon to be dead.

really. i do think like that sometimes. well, most of the time.

i thought of committing suicide more than you can ever imagine.

i wont do that eventually.

im afraid of pain, im pretty scared that God will burn my soul in hell.

thats why im dragging myself to be alive.

but who knows, i keep telling my friends. who knows.

maybe one day, just some day. when im already at that certain point, my brain just stop functioning. stop telling me that i shouldnt do that.

well, just maybe. i dont know and you wont know either. until, who knows.

i hope someone will help me. bring me out of this awful chaos!

after so many things. i realised im weak. i am not strong!

why?!?! i seriously hate this feeling im having. f*ck!